by John | Apr 6, 2010 | Uncategorized
Ouch!
↓ TranscriptSCENE: A woman brings a bowl of soup to a man sitting at a table having a meal. The woman could be a waitress. Or she could be the wife or girlfriend of the man.
WOMAN: Soup is like sex! The hotter the better!
MAN: Soup’s safer! I keep burning my tongue during sex!
by John | Apr 4, 2010 | Uncategorized
According to medieval legends, virgins have one super power: the ability to capture unicorns. Alas, unicorns are in short supply these days.
Personally I blame global warming. And perhaps the Japanese. (Hey, they kill whales! How much harder would unicorns be?)
In any event, without an ample supply of unicorns, our country’s moral purity is at stake. No unicorns equals no virgins. It’s that simple.
So forget about sex education and vows of chastity. The U.S. government needs to launch a Department of Unicorn Development. I’m willing to take charge of this effort. Just send me $100 billion and a few alleged virgins for unicorn bait. I’ll do the rest.
↓ TranscriptSCENE: A man and a woman kiss passionately.
WOMAN (thinking): Gee! I didn’t even get a chance to pretend I’m a virgin!
by John | Apr 1, 2010 | Uncategorized
Darn sex manuals. How dare they put out editions that are upside down…
↓ TranscriptCAPTION: It was the sort of honeymoon my mother had always warned me about--painful and boring!
SCENE: Man and woman standing on rickety pier. He has her hands on each side of her face.
MAN: B-but It's not my fault! The sex manual was upside down! I'm almost sure of it!
WOMAN: I-I guess we could try again!
PANEL 2, SCENE: Man and woman embrace, smiling.
MAN: That’s the spirit! And this time, I'll try not to cry so much!
WOMAN: Actually, I kind of liked that part!
by John | Mar 30, 2010 | Uncategorized
This is loosely based on something said (in a very public forum) by a real person. In fact, at the time, she was a comic book editor. I’ve never been sure if she was serious.
But she and her husband broke up shortly after that. So you have to wonder…
↓ TranscriptWOMAN (talking to man): Sure I can multi task! I do it all the time during sex!
by John | Mar 18, 2010 | Uncategorized
Order now. Operators are standing by. And they’re getting cranky!
↓ TranscriptSCENE: A young couple are kissing on a porch. Two identical books are on the porch steps.
HEADLINE TEXT: Are You a Failure at Fornication?
TEXT: A mating dropout? A loving loser?
Then you need the book that’s helped millions…beget more millions:
BOOK TITLE: Sex for Nitwits!
TEASER TEXT: --Learn about sex at home--alone!
--New edition with more pictures!
--Fewer big words!
--And! Shorter! Sentences!
TESTIMONIAL: “Sex for Nitwits changed my life!”
--Votta Von Tramp,
Last Kiss Home for Unwed Moms!
MAN (KISSING WOMAN): I bought two copies so I’d learn twice as much!
WOMAN: I bought three!
