Grace Von Tramp (aka “Amazing Grace”) knows that the secret to happiness is to love herself. Unfortunately, after a few instances of stalking and loving herself too vigorously, a restraining order was necessary.
The Last Kiss Guide to Etiquette: Don’t French kiss your sweetie’s mom on the first date. Exchanging saliva is never okay…until at least the second date.
Starting the day off right…
Ouch!
According to medieval legends, virgins have one super power: the ability to capture unicorns. Alas, unicorns are in short supply these days.
Personally I blame global warming. And perhaps the Japanese. (Hey, they kill whales! How much harder would unicorns be?)
In any event, without an ample supply of unicorns, our country’s moral purity is at stake. No unicorns equals no virgins. It’s that simple.
So forget about sex education and vows of chastity. The U.S. government needs to launch a Department of Unicorn Development. I’m willing to take charge of this effort. Just send me $100 billion and a few alleged virgins for unicorn bait. I’ll do the rest.
