4 Comments

1. 

   fine jams and jellies since 1982 on February 22, 2024 at 8:08 pm

   Well, somebody’s pretty excited by the prospect of turbulence.
   __________________________________________

   Ladies and Gentlemen.

   Welcome to Last Kiss Airlines Flight 69, with non-stop service. Oh and we’re going to Omaha. But it’s really about the journey and not the destination, isn’t it?

   Before our departure, if we could have your attention while our flight crew demonstrates our safety procedures. Yes you need to look because it’s being demonstrated by our hot attendant, Gretchen. Also known as Fetchin’ Gretchen to those with Only Fans accounts.

   To fasten your seat belts, please insert the metal end into the buckle as Gretchen is now demonstrating. You know. The part that looks like a dangle goes into the part that looks like a hootchie cootchie. Hubba hubba.

   To tighten the seat belt, pull on the strap. Please keep seat belts fastened around your waist while the captain has the seat belt signs lit. When the sign goes off, you may use the seat belts as bondage devices, but only if your seat mates have signed a waiver and you’ve established a safe word.

   In the event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy from the panels above you. Pull the masks over your face…yes just like a ball gag, but without the funny aftertaste…adjust the strap around the back of your head and breathe. Oxygen will flow even if the bag does not inflate and if it doesn’t, well…it’s not like any oxygen was really making it to your big head anyway, now was it?

   On this air craft there are exits to the front, rear, and sides of the plane. Please do not use them while the plane is in transit, as that won’t end well for you. And those damn masks will deploy. It’s not like those things really work anyway.

   In the event of an emergency landing, please proceed to the nearest exit. Please keep in mind the closest exit may be behind you. Just like all the good times in your life.

   Notice, we are not telling you to exit in an orderly fashion. Because we won’t be. In fact, all flight crew have been issued with machetes. So the take away here is: if the plane goes down, don’t get between Gretchen and the exit nearest to her.

   In the event of a water landing, there are some inflatable sex dolls under your seat. To inflate, place the sex doll over your head, find the tube, and blow. This will not save your life, but will keep you sufficiently distracted from the fact you are about to drown.

   A card with all these safety procedures can be found in the seat back pocket in front of you. Right next to the outdated Sky Mall catalog and travel magazine with the crossword somebody already filled in. Yes there’s a barf bag in there too. No, you shouldn’t use it. But if you do, take it with you. We don’t want it.

   Remember the rest rooms are not for your initiation into the mile high club. There’s not enough room in those for two people anyway, no matter how flexible you are.

   We will begin our taxi to the runway in just a moment. Please place your trays into an upright position. Please place yourself in a downright position. Turn off all electronic devices…and we’ll be able to tell if you’ve got them on by the look on your face…and stop downloading porn on your cell phones.

   We hope you enjoy your flight. And if you don’t, we don’t care.
   ___________________________________________________

   Wait…a flood started? Well no wonder they call her Lucky Liz!

   Hubba hubba.

   Reply
   • 

     Rex on February 23, 2024 at 6:55 am

     I won’t stand for this Sky Mall catalog slander!!!

     Reply
2. 

   Calvins Brother on February 23, 2024 at 7:36 am

   I’ve flown on Last Kiss before. A memorable experience.

   Reply
   • 

     Rex on February 29, 2024 at 7:01 am

     Did you have the Plane Bagel? Wait…. Plain Bagel?

     Reply