Don’t Ask, Dad! Don’t Tell, Mom!
Play it safe and have a Happy Father’s Day!
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WOMAN (to man): Honey, you’re going to be a dad!
MAN: Cool! Who’s the mom?
MAN: Cool! Who’s the mom?
And the Award for Humblest Girlfriend Goes To…
“I proudly accept this award because…it’s obvious! I deserve it!”
–Modesty Von Tramp
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WOMAN: Screw my personality! I'm gorgeous!
Allergic to Men?
Sophisticated scientific studies (which I just made up) show that at least 100 percent of women* suffer from occasional bouts of male sickness. This disease now has a name (because I just made it up too): Male-o-pause!
If you have symptoms of Male-o-pause (itching, anxiety, breathing) see your doctor. There! Don’t you feel better?
*Do men suffer from Male-o-pause? Who knows? Attempts at research usually end in drunken brawls.
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SCENE: A woman with her head down and her hand to her forehead as if she's got a headache.
WOMAN: I’m allergic to men! They make me sick…when they’re not around!
WOMAN: I’m allergic to men! They make me sick…when they’re not around!
Sewer Me
Hmm. A tough choice! In an economy like this would you rather have a Pee You job or a Pee H Dee?
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A man congratulates a young woman who is wearing a graduation cap and gown, She looks at her watch and smiles.
MAN: At last! you can work with me...in sewage management!
WOMAN: Oops! Time to apply to grad school!
MAN: At last! you can work with me...in sewage management!
WOMAN: Oops! Time to apply to grad school!
Horrorscope?
If today* is your birthday then here’s your horoscope — guaranteed** true:
You are a sensitive, wonderful, caring person. But your habit of screaming and spitting at people gives some folks the wrong impression. They think you’re a bitch.
They don’t understand that you’re really just acting out because you’re shy. They don’t know that — deep down inside — you’re just asking for love when you fire those warning shots!
What to do?
This is your year to find true love and happiness. Be confident and positive in all your dealings. Try not to shoot anyone — unless they really deserve it. (Everyone who doesn’t believe in horoscopes — particularly Last Kiss horoscopes — deserves it!)
Invest your money wisely. When in doubt, flip a coin. Or better yet, send me your money and I’ll invest it for you. Send cash. Don’t tell me your name. I’ll already know who you are!
* “today” is defined as whichever day you read this. Fate will ensure that you read this on your actual birthday. If you think this isn’t your birthday then you’re probably wrong. Talk to your parents and check your birth certificate for signs of tampering.
** By “guaranteed” I mean, of course, “possibly.”
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WOMAN (reading a newspaper): My horoscope says I’ll fall in love and be happy! Gee! I wonder if I’ll miss you and the kids!
