by John | Dec 3, 2009 | Uncategorized
Watch your TV channel listings. I’m starting a new news network. (I wanted to start an old news network–“Last year’s news today!”–because that way we might actually get some facts right. Alas, it already exists as the so-called “History Channel.”)
Unlike Fox News, my new network (Foxy News—“Fairly Balanced if You Don’t Check the Facts!”) will specialize in complete fluff. Stories about kittens. Celebrity news. Celebrity views. Celebrity kittens. Celebrity tax audits. And, of course, politics—but only if there’s a sex scandal involving a celebrity.
I just hope it’s mindless enough.
↓ TranscriptSCENE: Woman with pencil and several sheets of paper reads the news. (Yes, the station is too cheap for a teleprompter.) On the back of one of the sheets, it says "Foxy News.")
WOMAN: Is global warming real? We asked Frosty the Snowman! His response? “I’m m-e-e-e-lting!”
WOMAN (again): That Frosty! Such a kidder!
by John | Dec 1, 2009 | Uncategorized
If only someone would tell me…
↓ TranscriptSCENE: Smiling young woman holds up her right hand and makes an "Okay" sign with her fingers.
WOMAN: You don’t think I have any opinions of my own? Okay! I agree
with that!
Search Tags: Wishy-Washy, Opinion
by John | Nov 29, 2009 | Uncategorized
My wife’s an LPN (Low-Paid Nurse), but she’s a bit more gentle than this. In fact, Shelagh’s a terrific nurse. I found this out 26 years when she was my mom’s nurse. She did such a good job that I married her.
Still, don’t mess with Shelagh. She has sharp needles and she knows how to use them!
↓ TranscriptSCENE: Nurse flings a man over her shoulder.
NURSE: Fluff your own pillows!
by John | Nov 26, 2009 | Uncategorized
I know. I know. You can’t actually buy Happiness.
After all times are tough. So you can’t afford the super-sized, deluxe package of 2010 Happiness that you see advertised on TV.
But for low monthly payments you may be able to buy a version of last year’s Happiness. (Economy-sized, slightly used and factory reconditioned.) Act now and we’ll throw in extra Joy and a complete season of Glee!
↓ TranscriptSCENE: Wide-eyed young woman with wrapped, presents that she has apparently just purchased.
WOMAN: Gosh! I CAN buy happiness!
by John | Nov 24, 2009 | Uncategorized
Fortunately (for everyone’s sake) I’m not expected to cook this Thanksgiving. So there’s much to be thankful for right there. No food poisoning this year. No need for anti-acids. No desperate three-legged, relay races (Don’t ask!) to the bathroom.
Just family, friends, fun and honestly good (as in tasty and digestible) food.
I hope you and your family enjoy the same!
↓ TranscriptSCENE: A very alarmed woman reacts to some bad news.
WOMAN: Oh, no! You expect me to cook!
