Yes, I’m crazy. Crazy about you, my amorous, ambiguously-aged vixen!

I worship the way your (fabulous!) arm flab vibrates…when you shovel vanishing cream on your (wonderful!) wrinkles and (awesome!) age spots.

I enjoy the way your (cute!) crow’s feet draw attention to your (beautiful!) beclouded eyes! (You should really get that checked, though.)

I love the way your (heavenly!) hips sway as you plod forward—using your (waterproof!) walker—to your (Chinese!) chiropractor!

Keep it up, my sweet, and someday you’ll be almost as young…as me!